Help! My Partner Won’t Stop Gaming!

By: Sheritta B.

So, you’re in a relationship with a gamer. Whether it’s tabletop RPG games or video games, they love taking time out of their day to immerse themselves in their chosen world of make-believe. The trouble is, where does this leave you, a person who isn’t a gamer? Maybe they were a gamer before you met and you found their passion endearing or cute. Or maybe, they became a gamer somewhere in the course of your relationship and it’s given them a hobby. Either way, if you’re reading this article, their love for the game has become problematic. I hear you. I see you. I’ve been there. Technically, I’m still there. You’re not alone and you’re not a bad person for searching for a way to fix this situation. From one non-gamer to another, I wanted to share some of my experiences and things I’ve learned along the way to make life with a gamer a little easier.

NOTE: This is NOT relationship advice; if you are seriously struggling, I suggest you seek professional counseling. I personally recommend The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by Dr. John M. Gottman, and Nan Silver. I’ll mention some of their coping techniques in this article, but the book is worth a read, even if you’re not married. It covers clever and constructive ways to effectively communicate with your partner and work through tough problems.

With that out of the way, let me fill you in on my journey as a non-gaming wife to a gaming husband. When we were dating, my husband and I had a common love for storytelling and fiction. We’re both avid readers and I’ve published books that would have had a thousand plot holes if I didn’t use my hubby as a sounding board. Well, it didn’t take long after we got married for my husband to discover the wonderful world of tabletop roleplaying games (TTRPGs). I don’t even know how it happened, but all of a sudden, his Friday nights were spent at a friend’s house, and sometimes he’d be gone until midnight. This was before COVID, and his friend lived nearly an hour away. Before you tell me, “Girl, he was cheating on your ass!” I tagged along on several of these game nights, and I was good friends with his friend’s wife, so I know that’s not what he was doing unless you count D20s as a sidepiece. I even tried to join the game myself, but that only lasted one session before I realized I wasn’t as quick at math as I thought I was. This game was in the Palladium system, and not a great introduction to newbie gamers, as I learned afterwards.

Time went on and I decided to opt out of joining him on game nights. Instead, I stayed at home and wrote my own stories. At the time, I decided also to go back to school and work on my degree, so I could busy myself with homework. Well, the nights got long and lonely, and I began to really resent the fact that my husband, the man who claimed to love me and that I was his “happy place,” was spending these Friday nights rolling shiny dice, doing lots of mind-numbing math, and playing pretend with his buddies, rather than keeping me company. Yes, I was THAT girl for a spell, getting pouty and upset that I wasn’t getting attention, even though he spent all the other nights of the week with me and we were not struggling at all in the intimacy department.

So, what did I do? Got a dog, of course! I had always wanted a dog and this seemed like the best excuse. “I need someone to keep me company while you’re gone!” I told him. He caved and one dog became two. But, you know what? That didn’t make me happy. I still wanted my husband at home, with me, on the couch watching a movie with our two fur babies. Fast forward several years and a worldwide pandemic later, my husband no longer leaves the house for his TTRPGs but serves as Game Master (GM) for three online games every other week that he hosts from the comfort of his office chair. If gaming was a sickness, he went from having a benign cyst to full-blown stage-four cancer. I can honestly say that I didn’t sign up for this rodeo. Being a player was one thing, but being a GM came with a lot more responsibilities. It wasn’t just one night a week. Now, it’s three nights every couple of weeks, and several HOURS to plan and organize what would take place during those three sessions. To say that GMing eats up his free time would be an understatement. Not all of you may be in this exact boat, but regardless, your partner’s gaming has driven you to seek help and advice on how to cope. So, we might as well all be bailing water out of a boat with a hole at this point.

After a lot of emotional discussions (I don’t want to call them fights, because I wasn’t yelling or throwing things as I would if it were a fight), I began to realize that my husband’s gaming hobby has absolutely nothing to do with me. And dear reader, that is the first piece of advice I can give. Your partner is NOT gaming to hurt you, ignore you, neglect you, or whatever. It has absolutely nothing to do with you! (Unless they’re a narcissist, in which you have a much bigger problem.)

Your partner spends hours playing their game of choice because they like the game! From a TTRPG standpoint, my husband loves to game because he enjoys the creative process of GMing and socializing with like-minded people who want to make up characters and go on adventures. It’s a cathartic release from the drudgery of mundane life. It’s a chance to escape and do something that he believes is fun. Now, I know what you’re thinking. Shouldn’t he love you more than the game? Shouldn’t spending time with you be what makes him decompress instead? Well, it is, but there are things that, as a non-gamer, I can’t offer him. And likely, there are things that you can’t offer your gaming partner either. That is OKAY, and honestly, it’s healthy. Read those words again if you need extra convincing.

My husband is an extrovert, whether he admits it or not, and being with other people recharges his batteries. I, on the other hand, am an introvert. I could go weeks without striking up a conversation with another human being, and as a stay-at-home mom, I can verify that I’m a pro at this. My husband loves to go out to talk to people, like at our local gaming store or a neighborhood block party. Gaming online is just another way he can spend time with other people besides his coworkers, me, and a feral toddler. Learning to not take that personally is a valuable skill, and I encourage you to realize that when your partner goes off for their weekly gaming session or is screaming at their teammates on some co-op online game, it’s not because they don’t want YOUR company. They need variety. How would you feel if you had to eat your favorite food every single day for the rest of your life? It may become your least favorite food and you’ll crave something else. This isn’t a pass for your partner to be unfaithful, but it is a pass for them to spend time with friends who can follow a conversation about stat blocks. Personally, I zone out when my husband goes on and on about ACs and Dex saves and all the other things I can’t recall right now.

Additionally, my husband can be himself with me, but with others, he can be whoever he wants. He can be an ex-marine traveling through space. He can be a dwarf bard with a cast iron skill for a weapon. He can be whatever NPC he wants when he’s GMing and go to magical places to duke it out with monsters I’ve never even heard of. That’s why some people like to engage in RPGs. They may not be comfortable in their own skin and want to be someone else for a change of pace. That’s not easy to do with a spouse or partner unless you’re into kinky roleplay, but that’s another story. If you talk to more introverted or shy gamers, they may vouch for this concept, if you can get them to come out of their blanket cocoon, that is. Allow your partner to live out their fantasies as a World War II infantryman, a silver-haired monster hunter, or a high elf with a tragic backstory. As long as they can distinguish real life from make-believe, what’s the harm?

Oh, right, the harm is that they’re sitting on their butts for hours at a time when you want to go see a movie or you have to double-check their gaming schedule before deciding on a date night or family gathering. Yeah, that’s rough too. There have been many a time when I have had to work around my husband’s game nights or make excuses to relatives that we’re busy when they want to visit. Well, that’s something that will have to be worked out between the two of you. As much as my husband is committed to running his games, he does make exceptions. Birthdays, holidays, or important events do take precedence over his online friends. Even when I told him, “We’re not doing anything for my birthday. You can game. I don’t mind,” (I was NOT being manipulative or double-speaking, but being totally honest) he canceled his entire weekend for me anyway. I didn’t want him to do that because I came to understand something important in our marriage. Here comes another tip, folks! He needs gaming in order to be the husband and father we deserve. If he didn’t game, he wouldn’t have that time to decompress and fill his cup. Think back to when you didn’t get a chance to do some sort of hobby or activity and it left you feeling off and unfulfilled. Same thing for gamers. Let them have their fun so they can give you 100% when the time comes… But, don’t become so self-sacrificing and push them away to go game whenever they’re grumpy. Sending a child into “time-out” has its own consequences later on, and this could send the wrong message to your significant other that YOU don’t want to spend time with them now.

So, what can you do? You need their time, but they need their own too. The best advice I can offer in this sense is to be open and clear about your expectations. Have a calm discussion with your partner, not when you’re totally miffed because they didn’t unload the dishwasher like you asked six hours ago because they’ve been shooting up post-apocalyptic monster cars online. Without accusing or criticizing, present your case to them. Say something like, “I want to make sure we’re prioritizing our relationship” or “Can we work out what days and times are okay to game and when we can spend time together instead?” When my husband changed his schedule to hosting all three of his games on one weekend instead of spreading them out (Game A and B were one weekend, then Game C the next weekend, in a biweekly pattern), he asked for my input. We opted for all the games on one weekend so there would be a “free” weekend that we could use for dates, projects, or giving me a break from motherhood.

This type of communication and negotiating is crucial to making life with a gamer work. There should be clear and fair boundaries that serve both of you. If life changes (having a baby, going back to school, changing job schedules, etc.) then these boundaries can be revisited and adjusted as necessary. If you have the in-laws over once a month for lunch, then obviously there needs to be some forethought into what day that is and make sure it won’t conflict with gaming. If you want to establish a weekly date night, the same thing applies. If their game night begins at 7:00 pm on a Friday, but that night is the only one that works for a dinner date, then make sure both of you are free and available two hours ahead of time to stare into each other’s eyes and share a spaghetti noodle or two. If they want to make the relationship work, they should want to make sure your love tank is full, too.

However, the same goes for YOU! But, you may say, “I’m not in the wrong here! They’re the one who won’t turn off the stupid console!” I get it. I hear you. But, how would you feel if they came to you with a grievance and demanded that YOU change for them? Not good. You might become defensive. You might, on principle, refuse to give in, no matter how reasonable or upset they are with the state of things. This will lead you absolutely nowhere and possibly make the problem worse. You’d want them to treat you and your hobbies with the same respect. Be flexible and honor the needs of the other, but be ready to compromise within reason. If they only game one night a week, or maybe once a month, keep the rest of the days in perspective. See where you can bend a little to make it work and they can return the favor. Again, respect and clear communication will win the day. Just be patient and leave your ego somewhere else. It has no place in a serious discussion with your favorite person.

Then, of course, there is the obvious solution. Game with them! Before you throw your rotten vegetables, hear me out. I have played a total of two game sessions with my husband. The first, as I mentioned before, didn’t go well. The second was a Traveler one-shot that left me feeling “meh” about the system. I’m not into space stuff, though my husband loves it. Since I have a toddler to take care of, online gaming is not an option for me, but there are a LOT of systems I’d love to try. There are a ton of TTRPGs out there to appeal to the masses. Love Star Wars? There’s a game system for that. How about light Ghibli-style stuff with talking animals? Yep, there are systems out there like that too. If you’re like me and would LOVE to play a broody werewolf or sexy vampire, there are games out there for you too. If your partner is open to trying a different system or even recruiting players for a homebrew game just so they’ll get you involved, let them! My husband has offered a dozen different games to me, but life as a mom just doesn’t allow that right now, so I have to pass. That doesn’t mean I don’t want to spend time with him, though! Life and circumstances just get in the way. But, if you’re willing to drink the Kool-Aid and give gaming a shot, step out of your comfort zone and see if you’d like it. Gaming can become a shared hobby and solve all (or at least one) of your problems! Except for the house chores. That may always be a battle, but you can work through that too. In all seriousness, your partner may be eager to share their world with you. It may bring you two closer. If it doesn’t work, then you can say you tried. Perhaps getting a glimpse into their world can give you a clue as to why they like it so much. Empathy, along with everything else I’ve mentioned, is super important in any relationship. Walk a mile in someone else’s shoes, and all that jazz. Even just taking a few minutes to ask questions and show some interest in your partner’s game can fill their love cup immensely! Give it a try!

At the end of the day, remember this: gaming is not the problem. Your partner is not the problem. YOU are NOT the problem, either. It’s unestablished boundaries, an inability to articulate your needs, and a lack of empathy that can drive a wedge between a couple. Have that honest, chill conversation with your partner and employ some of the techniques taught by Dr. Gottman (https://www.gottman.com/) to work through the bigger issues. Gaming does not have to be a chasm between you and your partner. There are a hundred ways to make a bridge. You just have to work together to build it.