by: Matthew Williams
Hello again, brave interdimensional adventurer and/or time traveller. I do hope you’re well? And enjoying your stay in our glorious metropolis? Oh, what’s that? You’re bored and want to foil the plans of dastardly villains or defeat hideously powerful supernatural entities? Well, then… as your host I would be happy to suggest a choice of nemeses. Let me think…
Did you say vampires? Oh, yes, we have a few, but they’re not quite what you’re used to. I understand that your male vampires have somehow acquired a specific sort of reputation. How can I put this without sounding indelicate? I think the term ‘Byronic’ is sometimes applied. Alas, our male vampires are not always easy on the eye. In fact, one might say that some of them are appallingly ugly.
Our male vampires use unsportsmanlike abilities like mind control, mesmerism, or ‘animal spirits’ in their seduction of innocent young women. One should note that many of these individuals are members of the nobility but – alas – few of them are gentlemen. That’s a harsh thing to say behind a man’s back, I admit. But accurate, I feel. Especially when we’re talking about people like Sir Francis Varney, or that Balkan chap..
We also have one or two female vampires. Again, these are often from the best families. Or at least the best families in Eastern Europe.
Unlike their male counterparts, female vampires are more subtle in their attempts to seduce innocent young women and are always very attractive. The name ‘Carmilla’ springs to mind. Although, I suppose it would be polite to use her title: Countess Mircalla Karnstein. As an aside, it is VERY irritating when these bloodsuckers assume that nobody will notice that their assumed name is merely an anagram.
In fairness, I should point out that some of these female vampires prefer their victims to be of the male gender but – for some reason – this seems to be quite rare. There’s something about a pretty young Englishwoman in a long nightdress that seems to bring out the worst instincts of any vampire. Especially if the poor girl is rather pale…
Where was I? Oh yes. Dastardly villains. Hmm… What sort of thing were you looking for? There’s Professor Moriarty, of course. Cunning thefts? Ingenious burglaries? Keep an eye out for that Raffles chap and his friend Bunny. The term “Gentleman Thief” springs to mind.
Is Theology an interest of yours? London is well-supplied with complex murders that involve the bizarre religions of foreigners. From polygamous Mormons to the animistic beliefs of African warriors, we have an extensive range. Why, there may even be a few sinister cults worshipping the Elder Gods!
Or were you looking for something a tad more philosophical? Some would argue that our Mister Dorian Gray is a psychologically complex villain. Others say that he is accidentally cruel because of his thoughtless and selfish behaviour. I say that the man is a cad, a libertine and capable of the sorts of depravity that would appall the Emperor Caligula. In any event, Gray is doomed and really not worth your time.
But I digress. Are you perhaps one of those occult investigators? The sort that gets involved with magic and monsters and TTMWNMK (things that man was not meant to know)? Then I can whole-heartedly recommend a look at the London Necropolis Railway. This morbid operation is a railway line that runs from London’s Waterloo Station to Brookwood Cemetery in Surrey. The most important passengers are dead.
Admittedly, there are living mourners that also make the journey to Brookwood, but I think you’ll agree that the symbolism of a railway which transports coffins to their final resting place is quite powerful. Who knows what a geomancer magician might do with this? Or one of those Caribbean chappies? You know… the Voudun practitioners. London commuters often seem like zombies. Perhaps some of them really are undead?
What’s that? Why do we have a specialist train service for the dead? Oh, we’ve simply run out of space for new graveyards. Nobody really wants to dig down into the old ones. We’re not really sure about the location of some of the old plague pits and don’t want to find out if the bubonic plague bacteria are still active. (spoiler: they are)
Too bland you say? My, you do have high standards. Then perhaps a fantastical supervillain? Oh, yes… We have those too. The name of “Spring-heeled Jack” may be unknown to you, but he’s relatively famous. Jack’s an unusual figure who may (or may not) be the Devil incarnate. He wears a cloak, he can leap tall buildings in a single bound, he has immense strength, he has claws and he may breathe fire. He should represent an interesting challenge to any time-travelling superheroes.
What else? We don’t have many ‘ordinary” supervillains. But we do have chaps like Captain Nemo, Robur the Conqueror and Hartmann the Anarchist. I believe you might classify them as “Bond Villains”… whatever that means. These tend to be ‘Mad Scientists’ with SET (startlingly anachronistic technology). They have the ability to destroy cities and – of course – to rule and/or destroy the world.
Oh, and I do hope you won’t be insulted if I mention the matter of etiquette? It’s not your fault, of course; you come from elsewhere. Elsewhen? Anyway… there are STANDARDS. The French term is “comme il faut”, which I think is a rather clever way of phrasing it.
How can I put this gently? A few of you interdimensional adventurers have been known to overlook the niceties. Which is rather a shame. Our villains are undeniably evil, but many of them were raised as British gentlemen and even the ones unfortunate enough to be lower class or foreigners will attempt to be polite. Yes, even the women. Yes, even when dangling you over their fiendish death trap. Yes, even when sacrificing your eternal soul to the Great Old Ones. There’s no excuse for rudeness.
I do hope we can count on you to display the same level of courtesy? I think you’ll find it strangely satisfying to dispatch a villain while maintaining at least a facade of self-control and civility.
About the Author
The author has been playing TTRPGs for a depressingly large number of decades. Unlike many, his first experience was with Traveller, rather than D&D and Science Fiction remains his favourite genre for RPGs.
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